The next handful of weeks mark 2 years of a long journey, one that has been mostly lived out, flushed out, cried out very privately…with only a few dear friends.

It’s been very recently that I’ve begun to feel as though my head is clearing up a bit.

Fairly ironic considering this pregnancy didn’t spare me a bout of baby brain, but truly, there is a settling that’s been slow & steady in coming.

It leaves me feeling less stuck there, in that place, nearly 2 years ago when God shone a great light into what could have been a continued darkness.

*******

I can remember standing in the shower, crying…I felt safe there…telling God I didn’t care if anything had happened to me. That there was really no point in dragging anything out from the past.

Hadn’t He redeemed my life after all?

Made old things new?

I just wanted to be able to take care of my children…I didn’t have time for this sort of thing, I informed Him.

*******

A little over a handful of years ago, when my life actually became His, He gave me an image.

It was of a heart, with a big, 6 foot thick concrete slab covering it.

And then, as the slab was removed, a torn and bloodied heart was revealed.

“This, beloved, is soil where I will plant My Word…tilled and ready to receive seed,” He spoke.

So, I reminded Him of this too…how I saw the torn up flesh…badly composed due to a lifetime of hardness being stripped away.

*******

Ever so gently, as the water washed over me, He took me round back of that same heart.

And there, firmly attached, was a 1 ton black locker.

“I want in there,” the voice I knew so well gently said.

I wept, dried off, dressed and began the day…attending to the needs of little ones very much on auto pilot.

*******

It was much later in the day, naps were being had, and I sat down.

Pen, paper, & the bread of Life in hand.

Again His voice spoke and the image was before me…my heart consented…the door was opened.

Filth, sewage, and decay poured forth as He opened a door I had no recollection of locking.

Only hours within learning of its existence I saw pouring forth, waist high, all variations of death.

I cringed as I heard His voice tell me it was in there He would go, it was that mess He would clean out, and it was that very prison that He would perfect and use as a place of ministry.

*******

It has been a long journey to today.

Many times all I saw & felt was darkness.

Terms like “post traumatic stress disorder” gave insight to a life of feeling only half present.

But even with the understanding came waves of being overwhelmed…bombarded…barely, but firmly, clinging to and wrestling through questions about the God who opened that door in the first place.

*******

As a season of pain turns colors, I see & feel it more fully as a season of healing.

Looking back on my plea to let well enough be left alone, I know now that were it not for a dismantling, my soul would not be capable of receiving anything beyond the superficial.

What I fought and winced at was a necessity for layers of healing to begin.

He had to be given access, allowed to dismantle so He could build up.

I had to be broken.

Crusty bread absorbs no wine.

A hardened soul, toughened for any reason, cannot be washed clean with His precious blood.

*******

No, I take that back…it will sound crazy.

There are days, most in fact, that I wish it had been cancer, or an accident, or something less like a mirage and more tangible.

More tangible and less in my head, even now with still so many unknowns, crazy making.

Because that’s really what it is…crazy making contained.

Even now, nearly 2 years later, sometimes I can’t believe what we’ve lived through.

It does feel like a mirage.

Don’t get me wrong…I’m so thankful that my children are healthy, that I have them to hold and snuggle and kiss and train and pull hair out over.

My husband is beside me and the Lord has used this season to show us what He will do to see us through any situation.

What I have is absolutely not lost on me.

But that doesn’t erase the lonely that comes from something still so untouchable…I’ve lived it and that’s how it feels to me…real, but strange and unbelievable yet making perfect sense of so much of my life.

It seems to me there is an much easier time walking the road out from something more tangible…maybe I’m wrong…because I would be foolish to not acknowledge that every bit of trauma or difficulty shapes in it’s own fashion.

I know this one has left me different, but it’s hard to explain how…too many ins and outs…and I’m aware how quickly it would take on the look, feel, & reality of justification.

*******

I’ve been reading a $0.50 copy of Waiting on God, by Andrew Murray.

Mulling over this bit in particular, “The answer to every complaint of feebleness and failure, the message to every congregation or convention seeking instruction in holiness ought to be simply. What is the matter: have you not God?”

Because there really is so much stored up in that infinitely deep gift, the gift of God made man sent to redeem all that was lost, damaged, and destroyed, I’m trusting that as I continue to walk this road of healing, I will see layer upon layer of this truth revealed.

That in spite of what was lost, I have God.

It’s not the quick fix I’d like it to be, the kind I think that for someone else it probably would be…but it is the starting point.

The choice to be still in the presence of Truth.

*******

Questions may never be answered.

Vindication this side of eternity may never occur.

Reconciliation may remain impossible.

Yet, I have God.

I have a knowledge that He is opening wounds because they need a good scrubbing, mending, and suturing.

That He is in this and He has me.

I would venture to say that 99, if not 100, percent of us will likely never encounter persecution in the package the Apostle Paul did. Being imprisoned for sharing the gospel, at least for this moment, is not our norm.

It was his.

And it was through that package, of being misunderstood & persecuted, that the Lord revealed facets of His character to Paul.

Whether it’s that I’ve bought hook, line, & sinker the American dream or that I’m just gluttonous for pleasure or x, y, z…fill in the blank…often times I fail to see the package of difficulty God has given me or allowed for me to endure as a blessing.

As an opportunity to experience more of Him.

As an opportunity to allow His gentle, firm, wise refiners fire to leave me not as I am, but to take me where only those who are His may be led.

I’ve thrown many a fit over the ways difficulty has come through my door.

Comments such as “I’m just not prepared for this” or “I feel so ill equipped to deal with this type of trial” have been uttered from my lips more times that I can count.

And while it’s all true, something that’s being left on the table before me from more than one contributor is this:

If I were prepared & capable to handle what causes me to struggle & grieve, I would have no need for my Savior’s strength.

That is His goodness…His drawing way…His invitation to come, sit, be still, & rely.

It may at times require a one degree shift in perspective, to remember to view any trial as an opportunity to experience more of Him, but I would suspect that most times it will be a 180.

But I pray, that stillness of soul would be my constant abode.

That my heart would, in the midst of whatever chaos of circumstance, sit still & choose to see Him above all else.

That I would set my mind on things above.

That I would rejoice in all things.

That I would count it all joy to go through various trials.

That I would not see the inconveniences of life at face value but turn them just a bit to see the something more He has waiting for those who wait on Him.

Because there are these little people watching.

And while so many times I just flat out miss it, I want to teach them stillness.

If I give them no other gift, I desperately want them to see a legacy of quiet faith lived out in turbulent moments.

That they may walk the road He has set before them diligently.

Carry a torch into the darkness.

And one day sit listening to His voice, before His throne, experiencing “in person” what they spent a lifetime practicing here on earth.